Exploring Entanglements: What Does it Mean to Be a Sexual Citizen?
In Episode Three, our peer educators hosts discuss the transition to college drawing on their own experiences to understand vulnerability and sexual projects.
Transcript
Hi everyone, Welcome back to exploring entanglements. Today's episode is going to be centered around what exactly a sexual project is. And I know we briefly covered the definition and the introduction, but I just wanted to really hone in on the ideas around sexual project. On the book defines it as the reasons why anyone might seek a particular sexual interaction or experience. And these things can include pleasure, developing, and maintaining a relationship with someone, having children, not to have sex or seeking a specific experience. But there are also a couple other factors that could be included and why somebody would want to pursue a specific sexual project. What do you guys think those might be? Other reasons why people may decide to have sex or why they would take up a sexual project could be validation from peers. They may want to chase Clough or they might want people to view them in a certain light. So they have sex in order to kind of like, you know, get validation from other people or they may just want to experience, they might want to see what everyone is talking about and what like all the hype surrounding sexes. So another reason that people have sexual projects is to explore their identities further. So for example, you know, some trans or queer people might want to explore their sexual identity. And so sometimes within sex, they find that their sexual projects help them discover themselves in a way. So that might be another reason that people would seek a sexual project. Another reason that they actually mentioned in the book, it suggests better your experience. So just to get more experienced with having sex, they actually give a quote in the book that says learning how to give good date. So thought, that was interesting because like when you're younger, I know like a lot of the times some people who will watch like **** to try to like, get better at Saks. And the funny thing is like point, he's actually a really exaggerated and no one actually has sex like that. So that's just one of the reasons why somebody might want to start his sexual project for themselves. Yes, asha, It's actually really interesting that you bring up that point of people seeking like **** and that's how they learn or that's what they think like sex is supposed to look like when really like. A lot of **** is just acting and hyper sexualized. An exaggerated. And nine times out of 10 things that you see on **** or not, the way things actually go during sex. And not to reiterate too much what we said in the last episode. But it does talk a lot about and it does reflect the quality of education now we are receiving when it comes to sex in general. Because we go to these extremes and, and, and we go to **** just to see what sex is actually supposed to look when really, that's not an accurate representation of what sexes, what sex is in general, honestly. Yeah. And so I feel like this adds on to like the whole like, you know, sexual projects being like trial and error like with your sexual projects. It's, it is kind of like you're learning more about yourself and will. Of course it has to do with like your reasoning for wanting this sexual project, which can really be anything. But a lot of the times it is going to be like okay, so you're going to make mistakes. And the first time you had sex is going to be way different from probably how you have six now. So it's definitely like a learning experience that you have to seek for yourself. Although some people do seek a sexual project to please others. But it's definitely like trial and error. Yeah, I think you guys bring up great points. And I also want to bring it through like a college level, you know, piggybacking off of what Sasha said. And that whole trial and trial and error period, I feel like, you know, that transition from high school to college is like people always talk about how your transition to college is supposed to be where you find yourself, where you find your chosen family. And it's a experimental period and in a lot of different areas of life. And sex is definitely one of those areas of life. And I feel like that's where a lot of social project start, where people start experimenting. And, you know, there's a lot of different reasons why people have sex in college. But I feel like this is like, you know, a moment in time and people's lives where they really start exploring themself sexually and getting to know what they like and what they don't like. And get going through that transition into adulthood. Moving away from your family and, and really getting to select who you hang around with. And things that you do is a time of separation. And really, you know, that is where I want to hone in on like, you know, that kind of like transition period, you know, I feel like, you know, having woke me personally, I'm basing, you know, my thought process right now on sexual experiments and sexual projects based off of what my experience was kinda transitioning from college and from going from like a very strict, you know, Latino households where I wasn't even allowed to hangout friends, hang out with my friends that like my parents, they know their parents going to college. There was just so much freedom. So I can definitely attest to like, you know, going through that weird transition. Not really, you know, knowing how to sort through like feelings or how to really, you know, choose like those best friends that could get you out of these sexual projects or relationships? Yeah. I'll say that for me personally. Thankfully, I was comfortable enough with the idea of sex before going to college. Thanks to my mom questioning, feel comfortable with that. But and so finally, when I did get to college, I kind of already had an idea of what I wanted out of somebody, whether that was just sex or maybe more. So that definitely added the college experience, definitely added onto my sexual project. In terms of that, like I already had the just sex experience. Now I knew that my sexual project was going to involve more than something, just physical. And thankfully, that's what I found because I'm in a relationship now, but I would say that definitely being in college brought in psych your horse cobe like on which you know about sex. Also, there's upperclassmen that are like 2020, something. I don't know when you first go in and you're a freshman, It is kind of like you're a baby, like you don't really know a lot. And so to see like these older people, they're about to go start their lives and they are pretty experience insects some would say so. It's definitely something to think about when you're thinking about your sexual projects. I think that the role of the transition into college, it's really also important and influential in exploring or sexual projects because I mean, for me personally when I went to college, I didn't really know a whole lot of people here. And I was kind of like a weird vulnerable state where you're just, you want to make friends, you want to become involved. Like you have this picture of like what a college experience should look like from like movies and other media and just things i u here. And it's a really interesting transition and time and people's lives because you are kind of dropped in an area where like you're, you have the most freedom you've ever had in your life and you're very independent in a way that you haven't done before. And just like searching for a place to fit in. In that time, it's really interesting and I think it definitely leaves pupil vulnerable, but it could be in a good or maybe a potentially a bad way. So my transition to college went well academically. But socially I felt kind of distant from like everyone else. And my transition to college didn't really change my like sexual projects or view of sex per se because I was still a virgin for some time. I was in a relationship for a very long time before I came to college. And I maintain that relationship throughout my first year. So I really didn't have any experience per se to talk about asexual projects or engaging in sexual activity until like my second semester of college. And when I did, thankfully, I was in a relationship where I felt heard why felt listened to where I was comfortable engaging in a sexual project. And it went well. I did have a lot of experiences where I want to see friends jumping into sexual projects and jumping into sexual interaction and relationships with other people who weren't as understanding about, you know, sex in general or who weren't as experienced. So there's kind of an experience there, but it's a second hand experience rather than a first hand experience of the reason why they felt that it was so difficult was because, you know, transitioning to college comes with a certain level of vulnerability because you have to put yourself out there. A completely new environment with come to the new people. And when you start engaging in these sexual projects, it takes that vulnerability up 1000%, you know? So when you're in the midst of finding a place within the college community and finding a place, you know, romantically in a sexual project. There is a lot that you may not have experienced and a new level of, of vulnerability that you may not have experience in the past. And it could really change your experience overall with sexual projects. Natalia, I can definitely relate to the Piraeus that academically everything was fine your first year, but socially not so much. When I had first come to college like my first year, I found myself mostly befriending those who are adjacent to me. So the people who are on my floor was my main my dorm room floor was my main group of friends. And I just kinda fell into that. And later realize that maybe these weren't the people that I really wanted to hang around. And I wasn't super like we were very aligned on like what we wanted to do and things like that. But I was also in a relationship my freshman year. So that kind of affected my pursuing of sexual projects my freshman year just because I was like, in that relationship, I just had like that one experience. But then we had broken up and then after that I had a handful of strange sexual experiences where I was like, I don't know, I hadn't really thought about my sexual project and kind of what I wanted to do. I was just kind of going along with what is expected or like why is broadcasted of like the traditional college experience, the hookup culture, things like that. So I think it would have been beneficial for me to think about it beforehand by it. Hindsight is 2020. Yeah. Zane, I definitely relate to that. I'm going into my freshman year, I was single and I was ready to mingle for sure. But like given my experiences, eventually I realized like what I want it out of my sexual project. And I think to me at first it was mostly just pleasure. A lot of the times I feel as though in like street casual sex, relationships. A lot of the times I feel like the women has kind of like left out of getting that pleasure. At first, I definitely felt like it was mostly giving them that instead of me seeking it. So definitely after my weird experiences, I finally realized like wait, like I need to get pleasure to. So that was definitely on top of my sexual projects, I would say. But also I wants the leg. What do you all think about light going through a sexual project like with somebody else, like with a partner. Or if you have like a boyfriend or girlfriend or whoever your partner is, a what do you think about like going through like a sexual project together? I feel like it could be beneficial in terms of sexual growth with your partner. But I definitely also believe that it needs to come with good communication. I feel like a lot of times I've heard horror stories about heterosexual couples where they want to have like a man and a woman wants to have sex with like another woman. And the man is all for it and then the wife doesn't or the girlfriend does it. And she still goes through with it because she says she wouldn't the beginning. And I feel like that communication piece is just so important. I'm all for people doing what they want. As long as it's consensual. All people involved are giving consent and everyone is comfortable engaging in sexual activity. But at the same time I feel like it's not talked about enough. You know. It it could be sexual projects undergoing them with a partner or significant other could promote a lot of growth within a relationship. I can speak on the idea of like pursuing a sexual project with a partner because my boyfriend and I are very open about our communication. And like, after, after things happen, we always talk about like, hi, What words, what might have not worked like, what? What could we try next time or like what? Maybe we don't want to try next time. And I just feel lucky to be at this point in my life right now. And how the knowledge that I do now, rather than a couple of years ago, to be able to be able to set boundaries and be able to actually have these conversations with my boyfriend. Because before I would have been terrified. It's a scary thing to talk about with your partner, but I feel lucky that I'm in a relationship where he listens to me, he respects what I say, and we work on this together. Yeah. I think a lot of times like no matter how old we are comfortable, we think we might be like an Italian mention. There's always those moments where you could be coerced into doing something that you don't want to do. And I have also heard that so much, Natalia, like, Oh, let's have a threesome. And like the guys like Yale is doing for my birthday or whatever. And then the girls just kind of like, I don't know. But that step like that could definitely be considered somebody's sexual project, like having a threesome. So it is definitely a lot with like how comfortable you are. And like Dana mentioned, it's so very important in these sexual projects to make sure you have boundaries like of course, you want to experience and seek different sexual projects at different moments in your life. But it's so important to draw boundaries for yourself and for others as well. Just because you never want to do something that later you think back and you say, I didn't do this for me, I did this for somebody else. You know what I mean? So it is very important to start drawing boundaries when you think of sexual projects. Especially when they involve other people. Exactly. And even thinking about the position that we're in when we're transitioning from high school to college and having that sense of vulnerability in this new crowded setting, it could potentially turn into an unclear sexual project where, you know, you're you end up being coerced into doing something that she don't want to do because you're in a completely new environment and you're trying to adjust to the new college life. I also think it's important to know, like sausages, like doing things for other people. I think it's important to just really like now on the idea that your sexual project is about you and what you want and what you're looking for. It shouldn't really be influenced by other people and like what they might want over what you want. I mean, of course you want to respect the boundaries of your partner and you never want to push, pause Thought and everything has to be consensual. But beyond thought like it's really about what you're looking for. You shouldn't have to diminish what you want and what you're looking for just in service of another person. Yeah. And also like like Dana mentioned a little bit, like very like we mentioned earlier, sexual projects are definitely couldn't be trial and error like first year I remember in high school my sexual project, whether I knew it or not, was completely different from what my sexual project is now, especially being in a relationship. It just kind of makes everything a little different, like, uh, what I want from sex now. So definitely we, I feel like we all had those weird sexual experiences or encounters where we're like, Yeah, Never again. But also you could have some really, really good ones where you learn to learn more about yourself and your body. And also I feel like in a way a sexual projects can definitely like increase your competence in yourself. Like you know, like the more that you're comfortable with your own body and being around other people and just having confidence in yourself. I feel like that also influences your project. And so like the more, the more sexual projects than the more comfortable you have, the more experience you go through. I definitely feel like the more comfortable you're going to feel, the more you're going to reflect back on. Okay, I did this. Did I really do this for me or did I do this for them? Of course, you can have sexual projects where you're like, okay, I want to have sex with a celebrity or whatever. But at the end of the day, you're doing that for you because you want to. So like we're saying, just make sure that whatever sexual project you have, you're doing it for you and you're exploring for you and drawing boundaries. You know that, okay, I don't want to go further than this because definitely you want to look back on your sexual experiences and sexual projects and think, yeah, I did this for me and I'm glad that I did this for me. I just want to drive home the idea that it's really important for the listeners listening right now to it. Just maybe sit down, think about your sexual projects, maybe the things that you are interested and explore your options and consider the why of your sexual project. I think it's important to have an actual idea and really think about it before pursuing these things just so that you can draw boundaries for yourself and have a concrete idea of what you're doing before you go into these situations. We just wanted to thank everyone for tuning in this week and we're looking forward to continuing these conversations and the next episode.